I have been a mother for a relatively short period of time. It has only been seven years, nine months, and twenty-seven days since we welcomed our oldest daughter (pictured above) into the world. It was an intense experience marked by a wide range of emotions for both my husband and me. But the conclusion of our 27-hour labor and delivery experience culminated with a miraculous moment of meeting our daughter face to face. Since her arrival we have been blessed to experience the glorious addition of three other children. Each of my labor and delivery experiences was unique in its own right, but with the initial introduction to each of our precious little ones, a piece of my heart entered the world and portions of my heart were exposed for the first time or more fully revealed for a second, third, and fourth time.

The calling into motherhood is one that I cherish deeply. Yet it is also a role that has called me into seasons of struggle, self-awareness, and sanctification that have been and continue to be difficult. My role as a mother has revealed aspects of my personality, character, and priorities that have required that I wrestle through the truth of my own sinfulness. It was upon becoming a mother that I became more acutely aware of my selfishness, lack of patience, natural bent toward anger, underlying anxiety, and an overall unwillingness to JOYFULLY and willingly submit to God’s call on my life.

I grew up knowing that I wanted to be a mother. And I eventually entered a career that would afford me the flexibility to stay home as the primary caretaker for our children and then eventually return to my field once they were all school-aged. But what I did not anticipate was the continued isolation I would (and intermittently still do) feel in transitioning from being a full time “professional” to a full time “SAHM” (Stay At Home Mother). I am not referring to the loneliness experienced by many parents who stay home full time with their children, although I have and do often experience the unique loneliness of being surrounded by small people for hours on end. I am more so referring to my PERCEPTION that I was the only SAHM who repeatedly mourned the loss of her previous career, and perhaps to a greater degree, grieved the loss of a career that could have been IF I had been afforded the same opportunity to pursue my career that my husband has been afforded since we added children to our family.

Read that last sentence again. That simple sentence reveals SO much about my heart. I have had to repeatedly repent of my selfishness, pride, and bitterness that so easily wells up when the circumstances of being the primary caretaker for our children overwhelms me. I have had to guard my tongue during countless interactions with female colleagues of my husband and former peers who unintentionally (or most likely unintentionally) make belittling comments or offensive statements or simply struggle to make meaningful conversation with me given my lack of professional standing. Each of these occasions subtlety suggest that the decision for me to stay home with our children somehow makes me “less than.”

I repeatedly reminded myself that I have NOT wasted my education by not “leaning in” to the professional opportunities that exist for someone with my level of education. I have to actively choose to not believe the lie that this decision, which is far and away the best thing for our entire family, is somehow shameful since our home resembles “traditional” gender roles. And the tendency of my mind to wander into the realm of “if onlys” and “what ifs” rarely produces a spirit of gratitude so I routinely have to take those thoughts captive and choose to focus instead on the blessing of this decision.

This is not a commentary on whether or not women should work outside the home, nor is it a prescription for the best balance of work-family life for a female professional. This is simply a confession that I struggle with contentment. I struggle with trusting God’s calling on my life. I struggle with jealousy and envy of former classmates and colleagues who have achieved professional success that I have not and may not ever achieve. I struggle with bitterness as my husband confers additional degrees, completes his training, and experiences success that the world recognizes, affirms, and values. I struggle. And the struggles of the heart are always messy and painful.

But even in the midst of this struggle, God has been and continues to be gentle as He molds me and shapes me into His disciple. He has blessed me with a man after His own heart to walk this journey of life with. He has provided me with godly parents and parents-in-law who love me and my family well. He has surrounded me with women who can relate to this struggle but also push me toward choosing union in Christ rather than union in our struggles with selfishness, impatience, anger, anxiety, or bitterness. He has placed me in a church where the Truth and Grace of Jesus Christ is faithfully preached. He has assured me through His Word and the power of the Holy Spirit that I am loved. I am not “less than.” I am worthy. I am loved. And He is teaching me contentment in every circumstance. I just happen to be a very slow learner.